WHO IS THIS GOD?

A. H.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

A Dream Deferred...

Being sentenced to the women's penitentiary for 25 years without the possibility of parole, probation, or suspension of sentence was not the dreams of this 46-year-old grandmother of seven. Born in 1959, the youngest of three children, I was the only girl. We were raised by our mother who never lets us forget about her life's struggles. She took me to church every Sunday. However, my grandmother led me to Jesus one of those Sundays. I was baptized at the age of six and after asking Jesus to be a part of my life, I began singing in the children's choir . I was glad I knew Jesus because I knew I needed someone to whom I could tell my hurts and pains. I just couldn't tell anybody else but Him what I was going through.  

Abused and Misused

I was molested from the age of three to thirteen. My dysfunctional family was very different from the Brady Bunch family I watched on television and fantasized about as a little girl. I used drugs for 29 years trying to handle the chaos and pain in my life, but using drugs never gave me the courage to tell anyone my secrets of incest and abuse. Why? Because I loved my abusers. At age thirteen, I had a baby girl and that finally ended the molestation and incest. With that change, I moved into an area of freedom, or so I thought. However, I was really only free to rebel and do my own thing. After all, I thought, God had allowed me to be hurt, so I had the right to hurt back. And I did. I started using alcohol and drugs to medicate the pain of the past. The more I thought about the past, the more I used. It took twenty-five years for me to stop blaming everyone and to stop thinking the world owed me everything.      

Who is this God?

During those 25 years, I played church and found jailhouse religion several times. However, in 1997, God got my full, undivided attention and I began to seek a relationship with Him. I wanted to know who this God was that

• Wouldn't let me die when I tried to commit suicide?

• Protected me many times from being robbed and killed?

• Made that gun jam when the trigger was pulled while pointed to my head?

• Prevented me from killing someone that had beaten me unrecognizably, and then fell asleep?

• Kept me from losing my mind when the only person in the world who loved me closed her eyes for the last time and left me with nobody to depend on but Jesus?

• Gave me peace when I was alone in the courtroom and the judge looked at me and gave me 25 years as if it was nothing?

• Took care of my four babies during all the hell I put them through?

Real Freedom

Well, after eight years of incarceration, I know who this God is! In addition to that, I know that He will complete the work He has begun in me. God has changed me, saved me, delivered me, and reconciled me back to Himself. Through the same Jesus I met in 1965, I've been restored, renewed, and washed in the blood of the Lamb of God. I can now see where I was blinded by past hurts. Though it has been a difficult journey, I know that all things have worked together for my good. It is only through Jesus I can maintain a relationship and a freedom to tell everybody who this God is.

 

Cracking The Door
A daughter struggling to understand her father's love.

Alisha – Jacksonville, Florida

After looking at the DVD, “Come Out the Graveyard of Past Hurts,” I finally have closure to some issues that have bother me all my adult life.

My relationship with my Dad was not at all what it should or could have been. A lot of anger had built up in my heart. My parents separated and divorced when I was young, but that wasn’t an excuse for him not loving me as a Dad should love his daughter. He seemed content with just sending the child support and an occasional conversation. That never was satisfying to me, especially growing up and really needing my Dad.

Right before viewing the DVD, Dad and I had been in contact for the past four months. At first I didn’t have much hope that things would materialize between us, so I only opened the door to my heart a little. Just a crack, as if giving him the okay to come in and hoping he would do it on his own.

There’s something about having a break through in your life. You’re so excited to finally have something concrete to build upon. It was so amazing to call my Dad and not feel like I was intruding on his life because some female had an attitude. I actually felt welcomed. There was even a connection between him and my son.

So when I started the DVD I didn’t know what to expect, but I was prepared. Aunt Mary you really touched me. Thanks for shooting straight from the hip. I realized I had three tombstones in my life that had no closure dates on them. (Note from Speaker: Come out of the Graveyard of Past Hurts, is a message to help people realized they have never laid to rest past disappointments, and they still visit them and relive them over and over in their minds as if they just happened. The message encourages you to stop letting something that is old and dead control your life today. Put an ending date on that tombstone.) The first was for my Dad, 1979; second, for my Mom, 1989; the other for Chad, my brother, who died recently after a 29 year battle with MS) 1989. I put an end date on the last two tombstones which gave me air to freely breath. They now read 1989-2001. This is the year Chad finally could rest and it released me from worrying about him, us being so many miles apart. I was always trying to figure out how I could take him with me every time I came home. My Mom, I finally let all the bitterness I had towards her go. Thank God, she has made such a complete change in her life and for the first time she is living her life with no setbacks. As far as Daddy is concern, I have put so many ending dates on that tombstone only to go back and remove them because in my heart I loved him and I really wanted to have him in my life. After watching the DVD, I laughed and I cried and found myself actually breathing a sigh of relief. I was not in this pain alone, someone else really does understand my hurts. It is by the grace of God I have been strong enough to make it through all the ordeals of my life. I must say that I can put an ending to the tombstone of hurting after my Dad, 1979-2006. Praise God, the pain stops in 2006, and we can begin a fresh start.

Thank you sharing your hurts with others. It lets me know you do understand what I am going through. I know that you were the reason that God told me “TO STOP CRACKING THAT DOOR AND JUST OPEN IT! ”

 

How Deep Can the Hurt Go?
A child runs from the unwanted advances of her father into a world of trouble.

Anonymous

How do you explain to a child why the man who fathered her needed to touch her in ways she knew were wrong? How do you explain that he’s mean to her because she says no? Why is he so angry? Why didn’t my Mom believe me? Why did she take his side? Why did she just let me go? Why did my Mom die? My family blamed me. They say she died because I broke her heart when I told her about Daddy trying to…Did I really think I could survive in the world at sixteen? Where else could I turn?

After leaving home I headed straight down the road of trouble. I was determined to find that love I never had. I looked in a lot of faces and started a lot of relationships. But none lasted. However, all produced pains and scars I would deal with for most of my life. My first marriage was strictly for convenience. I needed someone to take care of me and the son I birthed at seventeen by a married man. Of course, that ended in divorce only to be followed by more unhappy relationships. One being, the second married man that would help me produce my second child. I did not find love in any of my lovers, only trouble. Like all brides, I knew marriage number two would be the one. It started like any typical union until I woke up in hell one day. He was abusive to the children and me, mentally and physically. I did the one thing I knew to do, run to someone else for comfort. And from my cheating came my third pregnancy for a married man. Not wanting to make the same mistake a third time, I had an abortion.

Years later, my second husband and I were back together trying to make our marriage work. I started looking to God for help. However, my own reasoning told me that having a child with my husband would be the glue that would hold us together. But he was too far out there on drugs and alcohol and women…The marriage ended after too much pain, too many fights, and too many money problems.

The darkness in my life had started to affect my Son. He was getting into trouble. I’ve always felt that I helped run him away by trying to please my husband.

Through all my fruitless efforts, I lost my son and my marriage to divorce. Everything was falling apart right before my eyes. Suddenly, I felt God was leading me to leave California and move to Louisiana. A move my daughters have never forgiven me for making. Their expressions of not loving me really added more pains to my life. They blamed me for their needing counseling. They accused me of never being there for them. Somehow, I had pushed all my hurts way back. So much that I didn’t know I was really hurting, and didn’t recognize the hurts of others. When I heard your message, (Women’s Conference in Shreveport, LA. “Hurting People Hurt People”), and you said “Hurting people hurt others, I’ve realized then that I had been hurting my children. My son, my daughters, are hurting because of me. Why didn’t I see that? Was I so consumed with trying to fix our lives that I didn’t see all the destruction I was causing? My running from the pains that my family caused me led me smack into a valley of new pains for my children and myself. Now I had to deal with my hurts of old and the need for forgiveness of the hurts that I’d caused. My son and oldest daughter have forgiven me somewhat, but the youngest has not. At eighteen, she dropped out of high school, left home, and started using drugs and alcohol She seemed unreachable.

How deep can my hurt go? I want it to end. NO MORE HURT, PLEASE GOD! Just when my eyes were opened to the truth about my life, the devil was dragging my baby through hell. She was smart and energetic. Now she seemed to crave everything that was the total opposite of who she was. Satan’s intention was to make me give up, but thank God I was tired enough of his tactics, that it only made me dig my heels in deeper and fight. For my children and myself.

I spent a lot of my life looking for a love I could feel and touch. I’ve tried to find it in people who had no love to give. Suddenly! It seems to become clear. My eyes could finally see. Standing right in front of me, JESUS! He patiently waited for me to get sick and tired of the world dumping on me so that I could see Him reaching out to me.

March 5, 2004, was a day of awakening for me. That conference for helping hurting women was a springboard into a new beginning. I praise God He didn’t give up on my children or me. My youngest daughter is free from drugs and alcohol. She has earned her GED and is presently enrolled at a Community College in California. Before she left to live with her Dad, our relationship had started to mend.

As for me, I am no longer that rejected and confused girl that was searching for love. I don’t have the complex answers to all the whys that are churning within my heart. However, with the help of the Holy Spirit I realize the simple answer is that it was just sin. What I do have is peace and control now. Satan is under my feet and I am using my testimony to help shout to other women who are hiding their pains thinking that they are the only ones who have made such foolish mistakes. Now, because of the boldness that Jesus has given me I have shaken off the shame and forgiven myself. I have joined the crusade of helping hurting women see hope. This is my fight and I ’m sticking to it.

 

But You're My Mama
The absence of a Mother's love.

Anonymous

We’ve all grown up hearing the stories that begins, “Once upon a time in a land far away, there lived a princess…” She lived in the large castle that sat so high upon the hill that it seem to mingle within the clouds. Her life was perfect Each story had it’s own contents but they all ended the same, “They lived happily ever after.” We are taught that the names of these stories are fairy tales. I learned the true meaning of “tales” by living real life.

My life began in May of 1973 and it didn’t compare to the stories that I had heard. We didn’t live in a big house upon a hill and that was okay because no one I knew did. But I would have loved to live happily. My hurts stemmed from not knowing whether my Mom loved me. There’s a lot more to raising a child than just providing food, clothes, and a roof over their head. You also have to nurture them with positive strokes of love and encouragement. I receive neither.

I never heard my Mother tell me that she loved me, and her actions didn’t say it either. I was never physically abused but verbal and emotional abuse hurts just as bad. I remember her telling me that I would grow up and be “sorry, lazy and good for nothing.” Never anything uplifting. Hind’s sight tells me that my mother must had suffered a lot of hurt and misery in her life in order to be so bitter. But as a child I didn’t have a psychology degrees and I only knew that the one who should be loving me wasn’t.

Not being married and getting pregnant at nineteen made matters worse. The verbal abuse continued. I had proven her right, I would be good for nothing. It hurt so bad not having her support but my brother’s shame of my becoming another statistic was devastating. Shortly before my daughter was born Mama had a stroke. Being so young and caring for a newborn was already tough but then I had to care for her too.

I spent ten years of my life caring for someone who was not only unappreciative but also felt it was owed her. Nothing I did was ever right. Everything others did was grand. As the years went by it seemed as if things got worse. The rest of my siblings became too busy to help with Mama, so everything fell on Dad and me. Their not offering to help magnified matters. I resented them not being there to get their share of nagging and degrading comments. It burned me to my soul. I grew tired of never being good enough. My every attempt at having a life was fruitless. She was my life and I was trapped. I was made to feel guilty for the few stolen moments that I had.

My mother never recovered from her stroke. It robbed us both of precious years that were supposed to be spent happily ever after. Hurting people really do hurt others. Whether intentionally or not, it stills hurts. I am glad that I accepted Jesus into my life. My relationship with Him helped me to recover from all the weights the devil had planned to destroy me with. It’s helping me recognize some of the traits that have scarred me from my past. He’s strengthening me to look life into its face and take back what the devil stole. I trust Jesus and I know that He is teaching my Mama in heaven what she didn’t know on earth. When I see her, I believe she will look into my eyes and say, “I love you.”

 

He Told Me that He loved Me
A grandfather uses love to molest his granddaughter.

Anonymous

I am writing this anonymously to protect my loved ones that never knew my hurts, I’ve kept these secrets for thirty plus years, but maybe someone else can be healed and delivered sooner when they realize they’re not alone.

It all began when I was six or seven years old. My father’s stepfather molested me and told me it was our secret and no one was ever to know. Not Mommy or Daddy. He lied to me and said he had already discussed it with my Dad. Even in my young heart I knew my Dad couldn’t have known because he would never have let this man hurt me this way. I still never mentioned it since my Grandfather had convinced me that My Dad would leave our family if I ever told. I was a daddy’s girl, and my need to keep him was greater than my strength to tell. These events caused me to adopt a sick revelation of what love was. I assumed it was associated with pain. Me hurting, them hurting me. Afterall, the few years that this continued he told me that he loved me.

My grandfather’s manipulative ways started a chain reaction of my keeping secrets from my parents. Life threatening secrets. At the age of nine I was raped. I told no one. Who would believe me? I had been persuaded no one would. Somewhere there’s a man, just like my grandfather, who when he was a teenager, forced a child, who was simply playing on the playground, into a sexual act she didn’t consent to.

My father died when I was fourteen. It was painful losing him. He was my rock. He was lovable, patient, understanding, funny, competitive, and a hard worker. Dad spent a lot of time with my siblings and me. He was not perfect, but my Mom loved him enough to stay with him ‘til the end. Suddenly, he was gone. Another pain, another hurt to adjust to. Another something that I lost in my life that was precious to me.

At the age of fifteen, I got pregnant. I wouldn’t be able to hide this secret for long, so I told my mother. She made me have an abortion. Even though this was our secret, I felt it was once again my hurt to bear for a long time. Not being affiliated with a church I had no spiritual training and didn’t know how to turn to God. The only thing I knew to do was what I always did, cover up my pain, keep it to myself, and tell no one. My self-esteem was crushed long ago.

Most of the men in my life have all had the same traits. They have been trusting and funny, sensitive and supportive. Hard workers and good providers just like my Dad. On the other hand they have been deceptive to their words and cheated on me. They have been verbally abusive, calling me stupid and always putting me down. Liars; look me in my eyes and tell me one thing, causing me to want to believe them, needing to believe them, but do another thing. Always saying that they love me, but always hurting me. Just like my Grandfather.

Now I am struggling to come from under the weight that all these secrets have buried me in. I had started to mistreat people just as I had been mistreated. My tolerant was low. I would nick-pick at their faults instead of confronting them. I minimize the pain I am in because I don’t want others to think I am stupid for allowing people to go too far when they are really hurting me. I want the pain to stop, I just am not brave enough to take a chance of walking away. So I TAKE IT. Because I love them.

At the conference (Hurting People Hurt People), I summoned enough strength to face my enemies. The first step I had to take was to be honest with myself and tell the truth. I was living in darkness and had become a victim of someone else’s sins. All that I was holding onto was churning and boiling inside and had start to affect my personality and health. I learned that I would never be able to grow with God if I did not learn to start valuing myself. In class I was told that if you don’t start valuing yourself, you would violate yourself. That was an eye-opener for me. It summed my life up in one sentence. Others violated me and said they loved me; now I must stop the violations myself because I do love me.

Yesterday, I was a woman who was still victimized by her past. Today, I am a woman who has looked into the eyes of Jesus and found compassion and forgiveness. His forgiving me has given me the strength to forgive others. I will never have the answers to the whys and the what ifs. But they are not the governing factors in my life anymore. I am looking ahead toward a brighter future in the Lord. I am learning to accept the truths that the Holy Spirit reveals to me and let them affect my life instead of the negativity. I am truly grateful for the conferences and classes that this ministry has sponsored. The straight-forwardness has broken through the darkness and shown me some hope.

Thank you